Relationships

Want to optimize your relationship? My wife, Alexandra, joins us for this special class. Join us as we explore 10 of our favorite Big Ideas–starting with a definition of love then looking at the difference between falling in vs. standing in love and then some nuts and bolts Ideas on how to rock it.

Suzie and James Pawelski are two of the world's leading positive psychology experts. James cofounded the Master of Applied Positive Psychology program at the University of Pennsylvania with Martin Seligman while Suzie is a graduate of the program and a leading freelance writer and consultant. Together they've written an incredible book on "Using the Science of Positive Psychology to Build Love That Lasts." I’ve been waiting for a very long time for the book that would make me say: “READ THIS BOOK if you want to figure out how to integrate Ancient Wisdom + Modern Science + Practical Tools to Optimize your relationship.” And, well, THIS book is it. I HIGHLY recommend it. In fact, it's not only my #1 Love book recommendation, it's also cracked the Top 10 all-time greatest list. Big Ideas we explore include The Relationship Gym (hit it!), Aristotelian Lovers (the REAL Soul Mates), SNAP (James geniuses x2), Know Thy... (self and thy partner!), and Love Is an Action Verb (let's commit to flourishing together TODAY!).

The Doctor of Love is in da house! In this Note, we'll explore some of Buscaglia's Big Ideas on how to live with a lotta Love— starting with the fact that if we want to master the subject, we've gotta *study* it! We'll also look at how important it is to fully express ourselves and that a truly loving relationship is one in which both partners are committed to their own growth and supporting their love's growth. (P.S. My Goddess was the first chica I'd met who'd read this book and I think I fell in love on our 1st date when she told me she loved it, too!)

Want to make your relationship work? Then you’d be wise to turn toward the world’s leading researcher on the science of what makes love work: John Gottman. This book has sold over 1 million copies and it’s easy to see why. Big Ideas we explore: How Gottman can predict divorce with 91% accuracy (in < 15 minutes), a quick look at the 7 principles, the power of cherishing your partner, turning toward (and not being a tech rat), how to solve the solvable problems and starting “I love you” with the “I.”

Nonviolent Communication has sold over 1,000,000 copies. Why? It works. There are four key components to NVC: Observations + Feelings + Needs + Requests. In this Note, we'll take a quick look at each of them along with some other Big Ideas to communicate more compassionately.

Kristin Neff established self-compassion as a field of study almost a decade ago—bringing the Buddhist practice of self-compassion into her labs so the benefits could be empirically validated. In this Note, we explore the three core elements of self-compassion (self-kindness + common humanity + mindfulness) and why it's so important for us to cultivate!

Ready to upgrade your vision of love? Then you’re in for a treat with this fantastic book by Barbara Fredrickson. Barbara is one of the world’s leading positive psychologists. The book is incredibly well-written, deeply inspiring and incredibly practical as well. In fact, I just told Alexandra that this book might be the one that most positively impacts my life. Big Ideas we explore include: Love 1.0 vs. Love 2.0, taking a trip to Vagus, identifying our prevailing desire, #1 tip: create 3 loving moments today, exiting our cocoon of self-absorption via loving-kindness meditation, and Love 2.0 x 2: compassionate + celebratory love.

Erich Fromm, a leading 20th century psychologist, tells us that love is an art--and that if we want to master love then we need to study it like we would any other art we want to master. In this Note, we’ll explore some Big Ideas on how to rock both the theory and the practice of love. Big Ideas include moving from “falling in” love to “STANDING in” love plus the need to get rid of the illusions of a perfect relationship. If you’re looking for more love in your life, you’ll dig it.

One of the classics of Positive Psychology, Daniel Goleman’s Emotional Intelligence established the fact that IQ doesn't account for why some of us succeed and function well and others don't. In this Note, we'll explore some (really) Big Ideas on how to scientifically get our emotional intelligence on—from the power of delaying gratification to how worrying can act as self-fulfilling prophecies.

Dr. Michelle Segar is the world’s leading authority on what motivates people to choose and maintain healthy behaviors. As you’d imagine, Dr. Segar has some *really* powerful ideas on, as the sub-title suggests, “How the simple science of motivation can bring you a lifetime of fitness.” Big Ideas we explore include the importance of meaning, moving exercise from a chore to a gift and embracing a learning mindset.

Eknath Easwaran is one of my favorite teachers and one of the most beloved spiritual teachers of the 20th century. He walked with Gandhi in his native India and shows us to be the change while making our life our message. We'll explore how to change the gears of our thinking, detox from mas media and engage in practical idealism.

This is a tiny little pocket book featuring thirty-one inspiring, challenging meditations on how to love by Anthony de Mello, a mystical Jesuit priest who also wrote the great book Awareness that we cover. The book is a powerful, challenging look at how to break free from our conditioning, reprogram our minds and truly love. Big Ideas we explore include what it means to love, enjoying the symphony of life (by no longer clinging or renouncing), the art of looking (How are you THAT?), how to create freedom to make a fool of yourself, plus effort, effortlessness and fun.

Dr. Bernie Siegel has been a groundbreaking pioneer in the field of mind-body medicine and teaches us the power of love, self-acceptance and believing in ourselves in this classic. In the Note, we'll explore the power of placebo, embracing our perfectly imperfect selves, figuring out who we want to be when we grow up and other such goodness to help us become our highest, healthiest selves.

How's your shadow? (You know, that part of yourself you just don't like too much that you try to repress/ignore/etc.) Debbie Ford's great book is a classic at helping us shine some light on our dark spots and live more fully integrated, authentic, compassionate and creative lives and in this Note, we'll have fun looking at how to find the gold in the dark.

How's your shadow? (You know, that part of yourself you just don't like too much that you try to repress/ignore/etc.) Debbie Ford's great book is a classic at helping us shine some light on our dark spots and live more fully integrated, authentic, compassionate and creative lives and in this Note, we'll have fun looking at how to find the gold in the dark.

Will Bowen committed to going 21-days without complaining, criticizing or gossiping and challenged his congregation to do the same. 7 million purple bracelets later, Bowen created a little revolution and in this Note, we’ll check out some Big Ideas on how to quit getting your complaint on. And why you should care. Big Ideas range from shutting down the complaint factory to the fact that we’re all self-made—but only the successful will admit it.

Will Bowen committed to going 21-days without complaining, criticizing or gossiping and challenged his congregation to do the same. 7 million purple bracelets later, Bowen created a little revolution and in this Note, we’ll check out some Big Ideas on how to quit getting your complaint on. And why you should care. Big Ideas range from shutting down the complaint factory to the fact that we’re all self-made—but only the successful will admit it.

Brené Brown is one of the world’s most beloved teachers. We’ve covered two of her other #1 NY Times bestselling books: Daring Greatly and The Gifts of Imperfection. This book is all about helping us navigate our quests for true belonging—that sense of connection to yourself and to others that’s authentic, vulnerable, and courageous. First step: We need to know that it requires a trip into the hero’s forest of the unknown. Which demands “braving the wilderness.” Big Ideas we explore include deepening our understanding of that quest to true belonging, embracing paradox, the 4 practices of true belonging, how to deal with life’s challenges, and writing yourself a permission slip to be YOU.

Dale Carnegie wrote this book in 1937. The publisher originally only printed 5,000 copies. It was an immediate best seller and went on to sell over 30 million copies. I’ve always had a very strong allergy to the idea of “networking” and trying to “win friends” and/or “influence people” so this one never quite resonated but I loved it. It’s packed with Big Ideas on how to Optimize our relationships and, perhaps in the process, win some more friends and influence some people as better humans and leaders. We explore: The #1 indispensable quality you need for Optimizing, Principle #1 of How to Win Friends (Never criticize!!), how to make a great first impression, the Golden Rule (you living it), what to do when you make a mistake, and what to think when you meet people today!

Dale Carnegie wrote this book in 1937. The publisher originally only printed 5,000 copies. It was an immediate best seller and went on to sell over 30 million copies. I’ve always had a very strong allergy to the idea of “networking” and trying to “win friends” and/or “influence people” so this one never quite resonated but I loved it. It’s packed with Big Ideas on how to Optimize our relationships and, perhaps in the process, win some more friends and influence some people as better humans and leaders. We explore: The #1 indispensable quality you need for Optimizing, Principle #1 of How to Win Friends (Never criticize!!), how to make a great first impression, the Golden Rule (you living it), what to do when you make a mistake, and what to think when you meet people today!

Charisma. The idea that you’re either one of the lucky few born with it or not is a MYTH. Fact is: We can all cultivate our personal magnetism. In this fun, quick-reading, compelling book, Olivia Fox Cabane walks us through the practical application of the art and science of deliberately dialing our charisma up. Big Ideas we cover: The Big 3 of charisma: Presence + Power + Warmth (and how to boost each), what gets in the way (and what to do about it), the power of visualization (#1 tip) and more.

Charisma. The idea that you’re either one of the lucky few born with it or not is a MYTH. Fact is: We can all cultivate our personal magnetism. In this fun, quick-reading, compelling book, Olivia Fox Cabane walks us through the practical application of the art and science of deliberately dialing our charisma up. Big Ideas we cover: The Big 3 of charisma: Presence + Power + Warmth (and how to boost each), what gets in the way (and what to do about it), the power of visualization (#1 tip) and more.

Anthony de Mello was a Jesuit priest who integrated Eastern and Western ideas into his teachings and in this Note, we'll explore some of his Biggest Ideas on how to live from a place of deep connection and awareness. We'll learn how to get over our fears and quit driving with our brakes on plus the importance of looking at life as a symphony with ever changing rhythms and music that's only enjoyable to the extent we don't try to hold on to any one note.

Anthony de Mello was a Jesuit priest who integrated Eastern and Western ideas into his teachings and in this Note, we'll explore some of his Biggest Ideas on how to live from a place of deep connection and awareness. We'll learn how to get over our fears and quit driving with our brakes on plus the importance of looking at life as a symphony with ever changing rhythms and music that's only enjoyable to the extent we don't try to hold on to any one note.

Gay and Katie Hendricks are among the world's top relationship experts. In this Note we'll check out some Big Ideas on how to get our Love on—including the importance of appreciation and the need to create at least a 5:1 ratio of positive interactions to negative interactions if we want to have great relationships. (Did you know that when you appreciate people their value appreciates?! Yepperz!) Plus we'll look at the importance of re-committing and the acid test of healthy relationships.

Welcome to Harry Potter #6. We kick this adventure off with an amusing scene featuring our former Minister of Magic Fudge, his successor Scrimgeour and ‘The Other Minister” for the muggles. As with all the others, this one is packed with wisdom. Big Ideas we explore include: the importance of friends (Dumbledore and scientists agree!), liquid luck (remember the U Curve—too much of a good thing *isn’t* a good thing), cleverer than most? expect correspondingly huger mistakes, the placebo effect and Ron’s goalkeeping, and walking into the arena with your head held high.

Welcome to Harry Potter #6. We kick this adventure off with an amusing scene featuring our former Minister of Magic Fudge, his successor Scrimgeour and ‘The Other Minister” for the muggles. As with all the others, this one is packed with wisdom. Big Ideas we explore include: the importance of friends (Dumbledore and scientists agree!), liquid luck (remember the U Curve—too much of a good thing *isn’t* a good thing), cleverer than most? expect correspondingly huger mistakes, the placebo effect and Ron’s goalkeeping, and walking into the arena with your head held high.

Play! Stuart Brown, one of the world's leading play researchers, tells us that it's more important than you may think. We'll take a quick look at why it's so important, why you don't want to be a sea squirt and how to make your life one big sand box while infusing more joy into your life.

Play! Stuart Brown, one of the world's leading play researchers, tells us that it's more important than you may think. We'll take a quick look at why it's so important, why you don't want to be a sea squirt and how to make your life one big sand box while infusing more joy into your life.

Dr. Craig Malkin is an author, clinical psychologist, and Instructor of Psychology for Harvard Medical School. He’s also one of the world’s leading authorities on the science of narcissism. In this book, he shares “The bad—and surprising good—about feeling special.” The short story? Narcissism is a lot more nuanced than we might have been led to believe. Big Ideas we explore: the Myth of Narcissus, the Spectrum of Narcissism, healthy narcissism (no, that isn’t an oxymoron), how to bring it forth in our lives, and the passionate life (passion + compassion = magic!).

Dr. Craig Malkin is an author, clinical psychologist, and Instructor of Psychology for Harvard Medical School. He’s also one of the world’s leading authorities on the science of narcissism. In this book, he shares “The bad—and surprising good—about feeling special.” The short story? Narcissism is a lot more nuanced than we might have been led to believe. Big Ideas we explore: the Myth of Narcissus, the Spectrum of Narcissism, healthy narcissism (no, that isn’t an oxymoron), how to bring it forth in our lives, and the passionate life (passion + compassion = magic!).

George Vaillant is a psychiatrist and Harvard professor who, for 35 years, led Harvard’s 70+ year Study of Adult Development. (You learn a thing or three when you follow the development of teenagers as they grew into great-grandparents.) In this book, he tells us that we can evolve spiritually. Leaning on his experience running Harvard’s study plus cultural anthropology, ethology and neuroscience, he walks us through the biological underpinnings of the positive emotions that make up our spirituality: faith, love, hope, joy, forgiveness, compassion and awe.

George Vaillant is a psychiatrist and Harvard professor who, for 35 years, led Harvard’s 70+ year Study of Adult Development. (You learn a thing or three when you follow the development of teenagers as they grew into great-grandparents.) In this book, he tells us that we can evolve spiritually. Leaning on his experience running Harvard’s study plus cultural anthropology, ethology and neuroscience, he walks us through the biological underpinnings of the positive emotions that make up our spirituality: faith, love, hope, joy, forgiveness, compassion and awe.

This is a book about Alfred Adler's approach to psychology. Adler was a contemporary of Freud and Jung. Although not as widely known these days, he was one of the most influential psychologists of the twentieth century. As per the sub-title, the book was originally a “Japanese phenomenon.” It was written by Ichiro Kishimi (an authority on Adlerian psychology who translated a couple of Alfred Adler’s books into Japanese) and Fumitake Koga (an award-winning professional writer). Big Ideas we explore include the primary difference between Freud and Adler (hint: etiology vs. teleology), the importance of "separating tasks" (aka: stay out of other people's business and don't let them in yours), the ticket to freedom (hint: the courage to be disliked), the center of the world (<- is not you), and Adler's guiding star (happiness defined as contribution!).

This is a book about Alfred Adler's approach to psychology. Adler was a contemporary of Freud and Jung. Although not as widely known these days, he was one of the most influential psychologists of the twentieth century. As per the sub-title, the book was originally a “Japanese phenomenon.” It was written by Ichiro Kishimi (an authority on Adlerian psychology who translated a couple of Alfred Adler’s books into Japanese) and Fumitake Koga (an award-winning professional writer). Big Ideas we explore include the primary difference between Freud and Adler (hint: etiology vs. teleology), the importance of "separating tasks" (aka: stay out of other people's business and don't let them in yours), the ticket to freedom (hint: the courage to be disliked), the center of the world (<- is not you), and Adler's guiding star (happiness defined as contribution!).

Don Miguel Ruiz's classic has inspired millions. From being impeccable with our word and not taking things personally to not making assumptions and always doing our best, we'll have fun exploring his four agreements and how we can apply them to our lives TODAY!

Don Miguel Ruiz's classic has inspired millions. From being impeccable with our word and not taking things personally to not making assumptions and always doing our best, we'll have fun exploring his four agreements and how we can apply them to our lives TODAY!

Walter Russell was a 20th century genius, a renaissance man who excelled in the sciences, arts, sports and life in general. He was also a deeply spiritual guy and this book captures his wisdom on the art of living well. We'll look at the importance of connecting to the Universal Self, focusing our intention, and trusting the Divine Intelligence that's guiding our actions as we give our gifts in greatest service to the world.

Walter Russell was a 20th century genius, a renaissance man who excelled in the sciences, arts, sports and life in general. He was also a deeply spiritual guy and this book captures his wisdom on the art of living well. We'll look at the importance of connecting to the Universal Self, focusing our intention, and trusting the Divine Intelligence that's guiding our actions as we give our gifts in greatest service to the world.

Ah, The Power of Myth. This book is based on the amazing PBS interview series Bill Moyers did with Campbell shortly before he passed away and captures some of the 24 hours of filmed wisdom that hit the cutting floor. We'll learn how Campbell came up with the admonition to "follow your bliss!" (hint: it's from the Upanishads), the importance of loving our fate, how we're helped by hidden hands when we really commit to our paths and so much more.

Ah, The Power of Myth. This book is based on the amazing PBS interview series Bill Moyers did with Campbell shortly before he passed away and captures some of the 24 hours of filmed wisdom that hit the cutting floor. We'll learn how Campbell came up with the admonition to "follow your bliss!" (hint: it's from the Upanishads), the importance of loving our fate, how we're helped by hidden hands when we really commit to our paths and so much more.

Deida definitely pushes some edges with his work and this book was hugely transformational for me. Guys: you'll dig it. Ladies: your guys will dig it. In the Note, we'll explore some Big Ideas on the importance of living on purpose, not making excuses, giving our gifts to the world, being willing to change and committing to growth and love. Powerful stuff.

It’s pretty easy to FALL in love.

As we discussed not too long ago, I recently had an epic party with some Stoics.

In our last +1, we talked about being Efficient vs. Effective.

In our last +1, we hung out with Jon Gottman and learned that successful marriages feature partners responding to one another’s bids. (Did you do your quick, napkin Relationship Bid Math?)

In our last +1, we hung out with Emerson and practiced our Squeezy-eze.

Have you ever heard of “The iPhone Effect”?

In the last couple +1s we talked about the power of Gratitude and Grateful Flow.

In our last +1 we chatted about the difference between FALLING in love and STANDING in love.

We’ve talked a ton about Deep Work and going Deep in general.

Please extend your pointer finger and shake it as if you’re lecturing someone — saying something like, “You shouldn’t do this, this and this! Do that, that and that!”

A couple +1s ago, we talked about Hero Jessica’s kind words and then had fun talking about Mr. Anonymous Troll Guy as well. 🤓

Not too long ago, we talked about the shiny new Heroic Virtue Meditation we’re working on as part of our Heroic Coach program.

In our last +1, I made the case for why the virtue of encouragement should be elevated to its proper status in the pantheon of how to best express our love for people in our lives.

In our last +1, we talked about lint on the projector’s lens and the fact that, as per Byron Katie, “every perceived problem appearing ‘out there’ is really nothing more than a misperception within your own thinking.”

In our last +1, Jesus joined the party and helped us take the BEAM out of our own eye rather than point out the sawdust in everyone else’s eyes.

Continuing our exploration of using interpersonal challenges as fuel for our flames and brightness, let’s talk a little more about how to alchemize interactions with challenging people people we perceive to be challenging.

Here’s another really powerful tool from The Tools guys, Phil Stutz and Barry Michels.

As we go ALL IN on optimizing our lives, it’s easy to get overwhelmed.

In our last +1, we had fun applying Rumi’s wisdom that God turns us from one feeling to another so we have two wings to fly and not one.

The other day Alexandra and I were on a walk with Eleanor when we saw a dog that appeared to be lost. It had a collar and was acting sweet but a little scared.

In our last +1, we talked about shadows and attending your own lectures.

Barbara Fredrickson is one of the world’s leading positive psychologists. She wrote a book called Love 2.0 in which she challenges us to upgrade our Love OS.

Brené Brown tells us that what we all really want from other people is for them to be authentic. And that means we need them to be vulnerable.

In Self-Image 101, we talked about how to create the most heroically awesome version of yourself by integrating the “Optimus” you and the “en*theos” you into the “Hērōs” you.

Pema Chödrön tells us that being mad at someone and holding a grudge is kinda like eating rat poison and thinking the rat will die.

We’ve all heard of the Golden Rule.

In our last few +1s, we talked about MMA Champ Champs, Olympic pankration fighters and Teddy Roosevelt’s Heroes in the Arena.

In our last +1, we talked about Love. Specifically, we talked about Love 0.0. Love 1.0. Love 2.0. And, Love 3.0.

As we’ve discussed, I absolutely love Love 2.0 by Barbara Fredrickson.

In our last few +1s we talked about a few Tools Phil Stutz encouraged me to consider employing as I prepared to launch our inaugural Heroic Coach program.

As we’ve discussed, I’m not the best gardener. Nor am I the handiest of men. (And let’s not forget that I’m pretty bad in the kitchen as well, eh? 🤓)

Not too long ago, we talked about The Mystery of the Hairy Fingers. That +1 featured the prickly little guys that got lodged in Emerson’s hand after a little slip on the Trail and ended with us laughing about it all.

The other day my wonderful Physical Therapist/Peak Performance (Heroic!) Coach, Dr. Julie Beck was doing her thing getting my wrist back in business so I can start hammering out my burpees again.

In our last +1, we took a moment to celebrate the power of friends as we had fun with our new favorite phrase: “Friend Power.”

Speaking of heroes and the reverse indicators we can expect to see on our heroic, dragon-slaying quest(s), do you know what the word “hero” actually means?

The other day we took a quick look at my Gratitude journaling.

In our last +1, we upgraded our conception of Soul Mates to Soul Mate 2.0.

In our last +1, we had some fun with the “How’d you two meet?!” Johnson Family Love Story.

In our last +1, we spent some time with Seneca and the Buddha and Walter Russell—reminding ourselves of the importance of doing the mundane, less-than-inspiring tasks with all we’ve got.

In our last +1, we tapped into some wisdom from Brené Brown’s Braving the Wilderness as we wrote ourselves a permission slip and then hopped on the bus.

In our last +1, we talked about how to tap into our Flow Superpowers.