Embrace the Suck
The Navy SEAL Way to an Extraordinary Life
I got this book (along with a dozen others!) after reading Admiral Manazir’s great book Learn How to Lead to Win. It’s a FANTASTIC, quick-reading, laugh-out-loud funny addition to our growing pantheon of Navy SEAL books. David Goggins wrote the foreword to the book. He and Brent were in the same SEAL class (235) and they both share a fondness for hard-hitting, no-nonsense wisdom delivered with an ample share of f-bombs. As you’d expect, the book is packed with Big Ideas. And, as always, I’m excited to share some of my favorites so let’s jump straight in!
Big Ideas
- Developing Resilience: The three C’sChallenge, Commitment, Control.
- The Bedrock of Resilience: A Growth MindsetIs a growth mindset.
- Pain is a PathwayYour Experience = Pain x Response.
- The Ultimate Mission PlanYour plan.
- SEAL Sayings to Live byTo live by.
“In early 2000, I made a decision that carried lifelong impact. I left a relatively lucrative job as a financial analyst with a global real estate development company to join the United States Navy. The objective? To successfully navigate what is arguably the most challenging special operations training and selection program in the world and become a Navy SEAL. Little did I know that the following months and years would change my perception of adversity forever.
In the coming pages, I will share some of my experiences from SEAL training, combat, business, and life in general. But the fundamental intention of this book is to uncover what really drives us to thrive in adversity. How do we develop resilience? Do some people have larger sums in their resilience bank accounts than others? How can we make more deposits than withdrawals? Does it happen naturally over time or must we train ourselves in the art of mental toughness? The overarching answer is simple. Resilience is like any muscle. With focus and determination—and some of the tools in this book—you can strengthen your mind to overcome any obstacle, crush goals, dominate your battlefield, and live an extraordinary life. …
Nothing great in this world comes without a little bit of adversity. Nothing amazing happens inside our comfort zones. Whether we are talking about getting a promotion, nurturing a challenged marriage, mastering a sport, building or saving a small business, navigating a pandemic, battling disease, dealing with the loss of a loved one, raising children, or hunting terrorists, a little bit of suffering will always be attached. That’s why the things we love and work hard for are deeply rewarding. My hope is that this book will provide you with the ammunition and inspiration necessary to embrace the suck, keep fighting, and live an extraordinary life.”
~ Brent Gleeson from Embrace the Suck
I got this book (along with a dozen others!) after reading Admiral Manazir’s great book Learn How to Lead to Win.
It’s a FANTASTIC, quick-reading, laugh-out-loud funny addition to our growing pantheon of Navy SEAL books. (Get a copy here.)
David Goggins wrote the foreword to the book. He and Brent were in the same SEAL class (235) and they both share a fondness for hard-hitting, no-nonsense wisdom delivered with an ample share of f-bombs.
As you’d expect, the book is packed with Big Ideas. And, as always, I’m excited to share some of my favorites so let’s jump straight in!
Note: Our collection of SEAL books now includes everything from Unbeatable Mind, The Way of the SEAL and Staring Down the Wolf by Mark Divine to Extreme Ownership and Discipline Equals Freedom by Jocko Willink and Can’t Hurt Me and Never Finished by David Goggins plus Make Your Bed and Sea Stories by Admiral McRaven. See the full collection here.
Download MP3
Download PDFDo not pray for an easy life, pray for the strength to endure a difficult one.
Get the BookDeveloping Resilience: The three C’s
“Developing resilience largely depends on our ability to change the narrative in our minds around the inevitable challenges we face in life and find new answers to these important questions:
What do I consider to be true adversity?
How long do I wallow in my misery?
Are emotional and physical pain realities to be avoided or embraced?
How often do I dwell on things out of my control?
How quickly do I bounce back?
Am I willing to embrace extreme discomfort to live my extraordinary life?
We are the architects of our own beliefs, the decisions we make, and the results those decisions deliver. We may not always realize it, but we have a relatively significant impact on how our lives unfold. The most mentally and physically tough people I know constantly practice the fine art of building resilience—deliberately pounding away at the boundaries of their comfort zone in pursuit of their passions and causes greater than themselves. Simply put, they choose adversity over mediocrity and continue pushing forward despite the odds stacked against them.”
Those are the very first words of the book.
Want to develop resilience (and forge antifragile confidence)?!
Look at those questions. And come up with better answers to them.
Helping us do that is, of course, what the book is all about.
Brent is the founder and CEO of a company called TakingPoint Leadership. He partners with organizations to help them create cultures of high performance. One of the learning modules in his leadership development program is on cultivating resilience in ourselves and others.
He tells us that they “break the definition of resilience into three categories:
Challenge:
Resilient people view difficultly as a challenge, not a paralyzing event. They look at their failures and mistakes as lessons to be learned from and opportunities for growth. In our words, they embrace the suck better than others because they lean in.
Commitment:
Resilient people are committed to their lives and goals. They have a compelling reason to get out of bed in the morning. They are not easily deterred or distracted by ‘opportunities’ that are unrelated to their desired outcomes.
Control:
Resilient people spend their time and energy focusing on situations and events that they have control over. And because they put their efforts where they can have the most impact, they feel empowered and confident.”
Quick check in... How are YOU doing with those three C’s?
Are you seeing CHALLENGES as opportunities to practice your philosophy or as THREATS to your well-being? (Remember: “BRING IT ON!”)
Are you COMMITTED to your life and your goals or kinda sorta going through the motions? (Turn up the heat and ACTIVATE!)
Are you focusing on things within your CONTROL and doing your best to dominate the next steps? (Remember to control the controllables, Hero!!)
We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey.
The fishermen know that the sea is dangerous and the storm terrible, but they have never found these dangers sufficient reason for staying ashore.
You have goals for your life, right? If not, you’re a loser and this book won’t help you. But assuming you do, please keep reading. When have you ever achieved anything truly fulfilling without some challenges along the way? Never.
The Bedrock of Resilience: A Growth Mindset
“According to [Stanford Professor Carol] Dweck, in a growth mindset, people believe that their most basic abilities can be developed through dedication and hard work—brains and talent are just the starting point. This view creates a love of learning and a resilience that is essential for great accomplishment.
Growth and fixed mindsets can be further broken down into five categories: Skills, Challenges, Effort, Feedback, Setbacks. …
When we become trapped by a fixed mindset, we believe our skills are essentially defined at birth. Challenges are to be avoided at all costs. Feedback is taken personally as opposed to viewed as useful data to learn from. Setbacks are based on external factors and result in discouragement.
A growth mindset is the bedrock of resilience. With a growth mindset you know that skills and success come from hard work and dedication, and the status quo is never enough. People with this mindset are comfortable being uncomfortable. Transparent feedback is not just accepted but craved, and setbacks are just another bump in the road fueling the fire to push forward.
A growth mindset is essential for embracing the pain and misery of SEAL training and high performance in any endeavor. It’s also critical for embracing the suck life throws at us when we least expect it, and essential for accomplishment and dominating any battlefield.”
That passage comes right after the last Big Idea. We’re still in the Introduction.
Want to embrace the suck? THEN WE MUST HAVE A GROWTH MINDSET. PERIOD.
Of course, we’ve talked about Carol Dweck and her growth vs. fixed mindset perspective in a TON of +1’s and Notes.
I repeat: As a recovering (fixed mindset!) perfectionist, Dweck’s books Mindset and Self-theories are two of the most influential books I’ve ever read to tap into my own potential. And, far more importantly, her books have helped me cultivate a growth mindset in my KIDS (and, hopefully, in you and yours!) so that THEY can tap into THEIR potential without having to recover from a fixed mindset in the first place!
Brent has a brilliant little grid in the book in which he maps out his FIVE categories of a growth vs. fixed mindset. Let’s quickly recap the wisdom he shares.
SKILLS
FIXED MINDSET: Something you’re born with. Can’t improve.
GROWTH MINDSET: A result of hard work. Can always improve.
CHALLENGES
FIXED MINDSET: Something to avoid. Could reveal lack of skill. Tend to give up easily.
GROWTH MINDSET: Should be embraced. Provide an opportunity to grow. Produce persistence.
EFFORT
FIXED MINDSET: Won’t drive desired results. Only for combating inadequacy.
GROWTH MINDSET: Essential. Path to mastery
FEEDBACK
FIXED MINDSET: Causes defensiveness. Tend toward taking it personally.
GROWTH MINDSET: Imperative. Critical for learning. Identify areas to improve.
SETBACKS
FIXED MINDSET: Place blame on others. Result in discouragement.
GROWTH MINDSET: A wake-up call. Opportunity for course correction.
IMPORTANT NOTE: That grid right there might just have more wisdom in it than ANY OTHER micro chunk of content I’ve ever shared. Seriously.
If you feel inspired, please take a moment and study it—celebrating what you’re doing great and noting what needs work while identifying what, specifically, you can start doing differently.
TODAY.
Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.
If knocked down, I will get back up every time. I am never out of the fight.
‘Gentlemen, take all that pain, shaking, and misery and turn it into aggression. Let it drive you,’ the instructor said calmly into his megaphone.
Pain is a Pathway
“In that moment, the Embrace the Suck philosophy was born. I not only gave in to my reality, I embraced it. It was exhilarating (maybe it was just my drunken state of hypothermia, but you get the idea). As I laid in the surf next to my brothers, shivering violently, I reminded myself that I chose this. I had sacrificed everything—a good job, nice apartment, time with friends and family—and had to crush the boundaries of my comfort zone just to be accepted into the program. This was purposeful suffering. It had meaning. There was a vision. A call to serve. If I didn’t lean into it, all would be lost.
Suck it the f*ck up. You earned your right to be here. You have a long way to go, so embrace the suck and get it done.
Those of us that embraced this mindset succeeded in our endeavor.”
That’s from the first chapter called “Pain Is a Pathway.”
The quote at the very beginning of the chapter is the Buddhist Proverb: “Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.”
As I read the chapter, I thought of the “Suffering = Pain x Resistance” equation we’ve discussed many times before. (See Notes on Kristin Neff’s Self-Compassion for more.)
As I contemplated Brent’s perspective, I realized that we need to significantly upgrade that equation to account for the possibility that we could create a POSITIVE experience as a direct result of Pain.
He’s telling us that, by radically accepting the inevitable pain in our lives, we can not only avoid suffering, we can ACTUALLY use it as a catalyst for growth.
With that in mind, I hit the Trail to think about how to frame a better equation.
Here’s what I came up with...
First, we need to account for the fact that Your Experience can be either negative (Suffering) or positive (Growth) depending on your Response to the Pain. The intensity of that Suffering or Growth will depend on the intensity of your Resistance or Acceptance of the Pain.
So...
Our new equation goes something like this:
Your Experience = Pain x Response.
If your Response is negative in the form of intense resistance to the pain, then Your Experience will be intense Suffering.
If, on the other hand, your Response is positive in the form of intense, Radical Acceptance of the pain, then Your Experience will be intense Growth.
That’s a really powerful reframe.
The best way to activate it?
See the pain as purposeful. Say “BRING IT ON!” as you embrace the pain, uncertainty, and hard work inherent to living a Heroic life.
Use that pain as a catalyst to fuel your growth, Hero.
TODAY.
P.S. As I read this book (and this chapter in particular), I also thought about Stephen Joseph’s wisdom from HIS great book called What Doesn’t Kill Us—which is all about “The New Psychology of Posttraumatic Growth.”
Stephen walks us through the Big 3 of Hope for trauma survivors.
He tells us: “Indeed, being hopeful will allow you to summon enough mental energy to set your sights on a more optimistic future and identify pathways to achieve your goals. Hope is fueled by three ways of thinking: goal setting, agency thinking, and pathways thinking.
1. Goal setting. Trauma survivors need to have goals to aim for. There are significant goals such as obtaining one’s college degree, getting promoted at work, opening a new business, becoming a writer and so on. And there are mundane goals such as taking the car to the workshop for a yearly service or picking up the dry cleaning. Both kinds of goals fuel hope.
2. Agency thinking. Trauma survivors need to have a sense of personal agency that gives them the motivation to move toward their goals. In short, they need to be able to both initiate and sustain the motivation.
3. Pathways thinking. Trauma survivors need to know what pathways to take to get to their goals—the routes to take, what obstacles will be in the way, and how to get around these obstacles. They also need to develop specific strategies to reach their goals.”
Let me ask you this. When the hell have you ever accomplished anything spectacular while nestled safely in your comfort zone? We both know the answer. Never.
Do something that sucks every day.
Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars.
Every adversity, every failure, every heartache carries with it the seed of an equal or greater benefit.
The Ultimate Mission Plan
“The second habit Stephen Covey covers in his groundbreaking book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People is ‘Begin with the End in Mind.” Close your eyes and think about someone giving your eulogy. Do they talk about how much money you made? Your job titles? How big your house was? How many cars you owned? That you kicked major ass at Fortnite? That you made Dean’s Roll every semester? That you not once, not twice, but three times had a clever tweet go viral? That you had thousands of Instagram followers?
If you’re like most decent human beings, that’s probably not what you’re envisioning. You’re probably imagining them talking about your virtues. You likely imagine a trusted friend talking about your character and relationships. The kind of husband, father, wife, mother, and friend you were. How hard you worked to give your kids not only a good life, but a sense of purpose and a moral compass. How you still did little romantic gestures for your spouse, even though you’d been hitched for decades. How you’d give the shirt off your back to your buddies. You probably imagine him sharing stories both funny and sad that highlight your integrity, kindness, and curiosity and the effect you had on the lives of others.
According to Covey, before you can live a good, meaningful life, you’ve got to know what that looks like. When we know how we want people to talk about us at the end of our life, we can start taking action now to make that scenario a reality later. With the end in mind, we know what we need to do day-to-day and week-to-week to get there. We know how to execute our mission plan.”
That’s from a chapter appropriately called “We’re All Going to Die, So Get Off Your Ass and Execute.”
That’s from a chapter appropriately called “We’re All Going to Die, So Get Off Your Ass and Execute.”
Want to win the ULTIMATE game of life?
Begin with the end in mind. Imagine what people will have to say about you at your funeral. Take the time to get clear on who you are at your best. Know what virtues you aspire to embody.
THEN...
Live in integrity with that best, most Heroic version of yourself.
TODAY.
It really is that simple.
Of course, we created the ENTIRE Heroic app with that wisdom in mind.
The first and best victory is to conquer self.
SEAL Sayings to Live by
“Now, my friend, it’s time for you to step forth onto your battlefield and take the fight to the enemy. To go to war with yourself. Time to build resilience muscles, set and achieve lofty goals, pursue excellence and innovation and master the art of maximum performance. I’d like to leave you with a few Navy SEAL sayings (some you now know) to keep you focused and energized. You can use them with others. Do what you must each day to embrace the suck and live an extraordinary life. Through discipline and resilience, you’ll win this battle and many more to come. Good luck!”
The final chapter of the book features a number of SEAL sayings.
Here’s the super quick look at some of my favorites...
“Embrace the suck. Accept life’s challenges for what they are—opportunities for growth and development. Make the choice to lean in, not run away.
The only easy day was yesterday. There are no easy days for high-performing individuals or teams pursuing an existence of excellence. Tackle challenges head on, controlling what you can and ignoring what you can’t.
Get comfortable being uncomfortable. Push the boundaries and confines of your comfort zone every chance you get. The more you do, the more your comfort zone expands.
Persevere and thrive on adversity. When you face adversity, just walk right up and give it a big old bear hug. Befriend it. Recertify yourself as a savage every chance you get.
Demand discipline. Expect innovation. Disciplined and creative people achieve more of their goals. Don’t waste time on things that don’t align with your values and desired outcomes.
Eat the elephant one bite at a time. When it comes to achieving big goals and navigating life’s obstacles, when we have too many priorities, we have no priorities. Prioritize and execute.
Uncompromising integrity is my standard. Integrity and trust have a direct and measurable impact on personal performance and the success of any team or relationship.
Never out of the fight. I believe in this philosophy so much that I have it tattooed on my arm in Latin. Numquam Proelia Derelinquam. It needs no interpretation.”
There ya go, Hero. It’s Day 1.
Let’s Embrace the Suck and...
LET’S GO!
We cloak ourselves in mediocrity when we are unwilling to embrace the challenges that stand in the way of greatness.
About the author
