Gay and Katie Hendricks

To Appreciate.

What a beautiful verb. The dictionary tells us to appreciate means both “to recognize the full worth of” something and “to rise in value or price.”

Let’s bring that into our relationships. If I appreciate someone, they appreciate in value. I like that math.

That’s kinda cool. Amazing, actually.

Go ahead and give it a shot. Try appreciating someone you love today and see if their worth doesn’t grow right before your eyes.

John Gottman knows relationships.

He can watch a couple interact in his lab and be able to tell you within minutes (and with a stunning accuracy) which couple’s relationships will endure and which will dissolve.

One of his key factors? The 5:1 ratio.

To survive/thrive, his research shows that a couple needs to have 5 positive interactions for every 1 negative interaction.

Not 1:1. 5:1.

A positive interaction? You know, appreciations like, “I really love the way you shine when you walk into a room.” Or, “When I hear you laugh, I just have to smile. Your laugh is one of my favorite sounds in the world.” (Two of my personal favorites for my love. :)

A negative interaction? How about, “Why didn’t you do what you said you’d do?” Or, “How many times do we have to talk about this?” (Um… two of my “other” favorites. Ahem. :)

One of the key tenants of Lasting Love and Conscious Living (that we’ll be coming back to again and again) is the concept of Appreciation. Consciously practice appreciating your partner (and every other person with whom you want a deeper, more vibrant relationship!) today.

Make it a game! See if you can get to 10:1. Then things will start to really take off. :)

Let’s practice now.

10 Things that I appreciate about my love:

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(You can make a list for your spouse, your kids, whatever you’d like.)

And, when you’re done with that. Let’s do another one.

10 Things that I appreciate about MYSELF:

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Taking 100% responsibility in our lives. It’s (very!) important.

Here’s a little exercise we did at the workshop that will help you feel into whether you’re taking 100% responsibility in your relationship: Stand next to your partner, not touching. OK. Now stand next to your partner and gently touch the side of each other’s arms. (Isn’t that nice? :)

Now, lean into your partner so that you’re pushing them over a bit. Feel that? Things get a little shaky/strained/effortful—and if you push too hard (or soften or move one way when they move another), one or both of you may fall over.

That’s kinda like what happens when we don’t take 100% responsibility in our relationship: we either take more or less and things start to get a little unstable. Feel it?

The lesson: You can touch, but don’t lean. :)

Take 100% responsibility. No more. No less.

Are you committed to “Drifting” from your Essence into the same old exhausting patterns of soul-sucking dramas that make life so unpleasant?

Rockin’.

Here’s what you need to do! Every chance you get, use one of these 100% guaranteed methods of “Drifting” to get yourself off-track: blame, criticize (my personal favorite), judge, lecture, ignore, explain, or withdraw. If, for some odd reason those don’t work, just try these: control, procrastinate, watch TV, complain, get overwhelmed, justify, go shopping, (whatever you do, definitely!) don’t breathe, interrupt, get righteous, space out or worry.

That should do it.

Seriously.

We need to become more and more aware of how we habitually “drift” into negative patterns that destroy our relationships.

It’s so important to be able to step outside of the stimulus—> response cycle we’re habituated to and consciously choose to create a NEW response.

How?

We need to learn how to shift when we drift!

Tired of Drifting? Me, too. :)

Get out of the drift of downward spiraling drama by learning to “Shift” yourself back into Ease and Flow. How? Try this:

First, BREATHE!

(It’s the #1 recommended solution by the top metaphysicians around the world. :)

Then, try breathing again. And, again. And, again. Quite stunning what oxygen in our brains and bodies does for us, eh?

Other ways to make a shift? Try speaking authentically, truly loving the experience, re-committing to your ideals, moving your body in a new way, or using this challenge as another opportunity to get closer to your Essence. Fun.

The key to consistently moving from drifting to shifting?

Glad you asked. It’s all about the:

“Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness concerning all acts of initiative and creation. There is one elementary truth, the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans; that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision raising in one’s favor all manner of unforeseen events, meetings and material assistance which no one could have dreamed would have come their way. I have learned a deep respect for one of Goethe’s couplets: ‘Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it. Begin it now!’” ~ W.H. Murray

Love that quote. Here’s the deal though. Let’s say we commit to a big goal or to living a certain ideal—whether it’s building a business or living from appreciation. Powerful first step. But, the real trick is in the RE-committing. It’s so easy to get distracted or thwarted or discouraged. What we do in those moments is the key to our destiny.

In short, we need to RE-commit!

Again. And again. And again. :)

[Kinda like when a pilot is flying us from New York to London. She’s committed to taking us to the destination but is actually off-target 90+% of the time. Thank God for re-commitments. Imagine if she beat herself up every time she was off instead of re-committing and simply adjusting course! :) ]

Persona. The word literally means ‘mask, character played by an actor.’

Personas. We all have them. A lot of them, actually. Think of them as roles we’ve learned so we can function in our lives.

For example, I’ve got a “Mr. Perfectionist”—who needs to make sure everything is perfect. ALL. The. Time. I’ve also got a “Nietzsche”—who, when he’s in charge, needs to deliver philosophy with a hammer. ALL. The. Time. And, I’ve got a “Bodhisattva”—who needs to reach his own enlightenment for the benefit of all sentient beings. ALL. The. Time.

And… and… and… and… :)

You get the idea. Now, the issue isn’t that these personas are “bad” per se. It’s just that we can get in trouble when we get locked into one persona in particular and can’t step back, get a bigger perspective, and see that we are NOT any one given persona. And, equally importantly, we want to be able to CHOOSE which persona we’d like to show up in any given moment. For me, my “Mr. Perfectionist” wouldn’t have let me even get 20 words into this big idea because it wasn’t perfect. Thankfully, I no longer let him get involved in the early phase of my creations. But you know what? He’s perfect for proofreading. :)

Most powerfully, as we develop our ability to hold the spaciousness to see the multiple personas at work, we get better and better at tapping into our authentic self that radiates our true essence.

So, next time you feel yourself getting all tied up in a knot, see if you can step back and identify the persona that may be at work and wanting to make sure he/she/it gets in way ALL. The. Time. :)

Persona yoga: it’s all about being flexible, yo.

(The science? Patricia Linville, Ph.D., calls the ability to remain role-flexible “self-complexity.” Develop this and you develop you’re your resilience. And that’ll result in better mental and physical health and self-esteem. Sweet. Love it when science rocks it.)

Want to get full real fast? Just learn to eat your projections.

Let’s say you’re criticizing someone. (Hypothetically, of course. :)

I’ll be the example: In my less enlightened moments, I may find myself criticizing my Goddess about not doing something she committed to doing.

Now, here’s the funny thing: When *I* am following through on my commitments, I never criticize her. It’s only when I’m not living my life fully that I give her a hard time. So, what I’m doing is projecting my own stuff onto her. Not cool. The secret: whatever we’re criticizing someone about has nothing to do with them and everything to do with us.

The rule: don’t put your projections on other people. Eat ‘em. Yum.

Want a quick test to gauge the health of your relationship?

Try this on: Is there something significant going on in your relationship that you’ve talked to other people about (friends, therapist, family, whoever) that you haven’t talked to your partner about? Eek.

Gay & Katie literally call this “The Acid Test” of healthy relationships. If you’re talking to others about something you’re not talking to your partner about… um, stop doing that. :)

Start practicing (pure, microscopic) honesty today. If something is bothering you about your partner and you find yourself chatting with people about it and NOT to your partner, STOP. Take a deep breath. And communicate your concerns to your partner. That type of transparency is key. And, as they say, honesty is the best aphrodisiac and sleeping pill out there so get on it. :)

If we want to reach enlightenment, we’ve gotta get rid of the “Why?” and start asking better questions. In fact, Katie teaches that “Why?” questions are processed by a part of your brain that literally encompasses the size of a quarter. That’s it. With a “Why?” question, we simply don’t tap into much of our brain’s creative horsepower.

“How?” and “What?” questions? They tap into a much more expansive part of our brains and open up a vast amount of creativity and new neural connections. So WHY aren’t you asking better questions?!!? Ahem. I mean, How can we ask better questions?!? :)