Lessons for Living

Welcome to the very first words of the very first chapter of the book.

The first truth of Phil’s work?

It’s the first Noble Truth of Buddhism as well.

Here it is...

In short: Life is hard.

Denying this simple fact of existence and telling yourself the story that life *shouldn’t* be hard is, arguably, THE greatest obstacle to your enjoyment of life.

When we quit arguing with reality and quit thinking something must be wrong with us because we’re experiencing life’s inevitable challenges, we can change our relationship to all the pain and uncertainty and hard work inherent to a good, noble life.

When we do that, we can fundamentally and permanently change our lives.

Just to make sure the five points are tattooed on your consciousness, let’s repeat them.

First: “Life includes pain and adversity.”
Second: “The future is uncertain.”
Third: “Accomplishment of any kind requires discipline.”
Fourth: “You are not special. No matter what you did, you cannot avoid these aspects of life.”
Fifth: “This will never change.”

If you feel so inspired, perhaps you can find a piece of paper and a pen and write those down right now just to make sure they’re landing.

P.S. I have some of my favorite heroes on my office wall. They are staring at me as I type this. Every morning during my meditation, I invite them to share some wisdom with me for that day.

Ralph Waldo Emerson tells me: “Trust thyself. Every heart vibrates to that iron string.”
Abraham Lincoln tells me: “Win the civil war—within your own mind.”
Marcus Aurelius tells me: “Play your role well.”
Joseph Campbell tells me: “We train heroes.”
John Mackey tells me: “Love life! (And get Heroic EBITDA positive.)”

And...

Phil tells me: “Your infinite potential exists outside your comfort zone. We love pain, uncertainty and hard work. Bring it on!”

That’s from a chapter called “Knowing by Doing.”

Phil and I have talked about that doughnut shop many times.

As I read that passage, I thought of my VERY first session with Phil on Friday, January 13, 2017.In fact, I just reached over to the left corner of my desk where I keep my stack of most recent notes from my sessions with Phil. On the top of the stack I have a photocopy of the first page from that first session. (Want to see my notes from that first session? Check them out here.)

At the very top of the page, in huge, bold font, I wrote “ACTION.”

Below that I wrote “RULES OF ACTION.”

Then I wrote down Rule #1: “SPEED”—which just so happens to be tied for first as THE most important thing Phil has ever taught me AND the first principle he teaches us in this chapter.

In the book, he tells us: “Once you determine to do something, the less time you allow to elapse until you act, the better. A failed action, done quickly, will improve your confidence more than one done after great procrastination, even if it succeeds.”

In my notes, I wrote: “SPEED = Conceive → Action.” “DO IT NOW!” “Confidence erodes the longer you wait to take action!” “It’s possible to make an impact right now.” “Bias is to always make the call.”

(I got goosebumps typing that out feeling into the life-changing power of that wisdom.)

Below that section on “SPEED” I wrote a few other things, including the next principle Phil teaches in the book: “DENSITY.”

In the book, he says: “Dynamic people take more actions in one morning than most people take in a month. The goal is to take many more actions in a given time period than you normally do. Start slowly, try to take even just two actions in a day and increase from there.”

In my notes, at the bottom of the first page, I wrote: “DENSITY = Attitude toward time.” “Utmost, indescribably valuable. Gulp. Pack it in. Courage = Overflow of life.”

The final principle in Phil’s “philosophy of action” is a Nightly Review.

He tells us: “Reserve ten minutes before bed to review, in writing, the actions taken during the day and the ones you want to commit to for tomorrow. Anything written down becomes more serious, and you are less likely to lie to yourself about how much you’ve done.”

That reminds me of Pythagoras’s PM Review. I love that practice.

AND... We architected the entire Heroic app to help you START your day with a clear set of targets and celebrate all your micro WINs all day every day.

That’s from a chapter called “A Model Relationship” in which Phil walks us through his perspective on how to create an enduring, mature relationship.

Phil and I have had many great chats about these ideas as well—all of which have helped me strengthen my relationship with Alexandra. As I read that passage, I thought of some parallel wisdom from Leo Buscaglia and David Brooks.

First, Buscaglia.

In his great book, Love, he tells us about the fact that it’s easy to fall in love and that it’s *much* more challenging to STAND in love.

Echoing Phil’s wisdom on the importance of creating a higher bond that moves beyond your “heart fluttering” with emotion, he also tells us: “As soon as the love relationship does not lead me to me, as soon as I in a love relationship do not lead another person to himself, this love, even if it seems to be the most secure and ecstatic attachment I have ever experienced, is not true love. For real love is dedicated to continual becoming.”

Then we have David Brooks.

In his great book, The Second Mountain, he tells us about the fact that a good life is a COMMITTED LIFE. He highlights four key commitments: to our vocation, to our marriage/family, to our philosophy/faith, and to our community.

Here’s how he describes our commitments to our marriage: “During these low moments, it is helpful to remember that marriage is not just a relationship; it is a covenant. It’s a moral promise to hold fast through thick and thin. Both people have vowed to create this project or cause, the marriage, that is more important than each person’s emotional weather. Of course, there are times when divorce is the right and only course, but there are other times when the sentiment that guides Parker Palmer comes in handy: ‘If you can’t get out of it, get into it!’ If you can’t easily walk away from something, then the only way forward is to double down.”

Of course, as he points out, all relationships have their own idiosyncratic challenges and destinies. But, for those of us who are married, let’s remember that, when we exchanged our sacred vows, we said, “I DO.” Not, “I’ll try.”

P.S. Alexandra and I talk about a lot of this wisdom in an Optimal Living 101 class we did together years ago called “Love 101.”

That’s from a chapter called “Staying on Track.”

This is where Phil introduces us to the THREE disciplines we need to master.

He tells us: “The first is called structural discipline. It consists of things you do routinely—eat, sleep, exercise, etc. The goal is to live in a constant rhythm. This connects us to higher forces because the universe functions in rhythm. Living each day with an organized structure teaches the ego to submit to something bigger than itself—time. To get out of a lethargic state, the first thing to do is put structure back into daily living.”

That, my dear friend, is worth a reread.

We’re going to come back to this in a moment as we talk about what Phil calls “emotional stamina” that I’ve adapted into what I call “antifragile confidence.”

Phil continues with the second type of discipline that he calls “reactive discipline. It’s the ability to control your reactions to the events that bombard you all day.”

Basic idea here? Victor Frankl captured the essence of reactive discipline brilliantly in Man’s Search for Meaning where he tells us: “Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”

Then we have the third discipline that Phil calls “expansive discipline. This refers to action steps you must force yourself to take to expand your life. ... The universe is constantly expanding. To stay connected to its higher forces, we need to keep up with it.”

Expansive discipline is, essentially, the operationalization of the virtue of courage. We MUST be willing to act in the presence of fear. We MUST approach our challenges rather than avoid them. This is a discipline.

The best tool to employ with this? Every single time you feel even a niggle of pain (in the form of anxiety, overwhelm, whatever), say to yourself: “BRING IT ON!”

Quick recap...

The three disciplines are structural discipline, reactive discipline, and expansive discipline.

Quick inventory...

What’s working for you? Keep dominating that. What needs work? Get on that.

Now...

Let’s talk about emotional stamina.

Note: This is THE most life-changing idea Phil has ever taught me.

Here’s the origin story.

Once upon a time, in one of our very first coaching sessions, Phil ended by telling me: “You have a lot of emotional stamina—perhaps more than I’ve ever seen.”

To which I thought to myself: “I have no idea what that means but awesome!” (Hah.)

In our next session I asked him what emotional stamina was. Phil told me that emotional stamina is, essentially, your ability to handle life’s inevitable pain, uncertainty, and hard work.

Then I asked him how I could get more of it. He told me (and this has been tattooed on my consciousness since that chat): “If you want to cultivate emotional stamina then you need to be MOST committed to your protocol when you feel the WORST.”

That may not sound like a huge revelation but I literally can’t think of ANYTHING more powerful than TRULY getting (and relentlessly practicing!) this idea. It’s the essence of how we forge antifragile confidence and get as close to being invincible as we can become.

To state the obvious: What do most people do when life hits them hard? They go off the rails and start doing all the things they *know* they SHOULDN’T be doing.

What would happen if, instead, when life hits you hard and you feel overwhelmed and scared and ready to give up, you somehow got yourself to FIERCELY dominate your protocol and do the things you do when you’re at your absolute best?

I’ll tell you what happens if you get just 3-5-10% better at this...

You fundamentally and permanently change your life as you forge antifragile confidence—knowing you have what it takes to respond to whatever life throws at you.

Of course, all that presupposes you HAVE a protocol. (Right?)

Know this: We architected our ENTIRE Heroic app with THIS wisdom in mind—helping you get clarity on who you are at your absolute best to help you craft a protocol you can dominate when you feel your absolute worst.

This is the essence of why our app has been scientifically shown to change lives and why it can help THE MOST ELITE performers go to the next level in their lives while simultaneously helping people who don’t know if they want to live another day re-build a sense of meaning and purpose in their lives.

For now... Spotlight on you...

What’s ONE thing you *know* you could START doing that would most positively change your life? And... What’s ONE thing you *know* you could STOP doing that, if you stopped doing it, would most positively change your life?

Here’s to letting adversity be the catalyst for our next level of growth as we move from Theory to Practice to Mastery embodying the wisdom from these lessons for living.

Today’s the day. We’re all in. LET’S GO, HERO!