On the Shortness of Life

That’s from the essay from which the book got its title: “Life Is Short for Those Who Don’t Know How to Use It.”

If you’re wasting your time getting ready to live or frittering your time away on useless preoccupations life will appear very short.

But not if you live with a sense of perspective on just how few days you have left.

“You must match time’s swiftness with your speed in using it, and you must drink quickly as though from a rapid stream that will not always flow.”

In other words, you must live with a sense of (grounded) URGENCY!!

As we discuss in Masterpiece Days 101, TODAY IS THE DAY.

It’s our finest day and always the first to flee.

Let’s drink swiftly and make today amazing.

That’s from the essay called “Consolation to Helvia”—Seneca’s truly remarkable letter to his mother after being exiled from Rome by Nero.

The letter captures the essence of the Stoic philosophy: “whatever is best for a human being lies outside human control: it can neither be given nor taken away.”

In other words, we possess WITHIN OURSELVES the greatest treasure: our ability to CHOOSE OUR RESPONSE to any situation.

This is how Seneca consoles his grieving mother. By telling her, in essence, “Don’t worry. I’m good. Yah, I’m no longer in Rome and I miss you, too, but know that they can’t take away my power to appreciate life and I’ve never been happier.”

Seriously. He ends the letter with “So this is how you must think of me—happy and cheerful as if in the best of circumstances. For they are best, since my mind, without any preoccupation, is free of its own tasks, now delighting in more trivial studies, now in its eagerness for the truth rising up to ponder its own nature and that of the universe.”

These days we’d call that some really powerful cognitive reframing—which is at the heart of cognitive behavioral therapy. We need to be able to accept our current circumstances as they are and then see how we can reinterpret them in a more empowering way. Seneca is a BOSS at this.

How about you?

Were you a leading statesman, on the top of your game working with the most powerful people in the world and then get exiled? (Eek.)

Or, perhaps you experienced your own minor (or major) setback recently that’s still burning.

Think about it.

And think about how you can see the GOOD in whatever happened.

How has your life improved as a direct result of that challenge? How has it made you stronger? How are you anti-fragile?

Developing the capacity to re-appraise whatever happens to us is one of the most powerful aids to our growth. It’s a REALLY wise skill to build. (It’s also the essence of Ryan Holiday’s Stoic-based book The Obstacle Is the Way. Those Notes might be worth a re-read!)

P.S. Seneca begins the letter to his mother by telling her that he doesn’t want to distract her from her grief but help her CONQUER her grief.

After eloquently prefacing his wisdom, he goes on to remind her of all the pain she has experienced in her life up to this point (from losing her mother in her own birth to a number of other tragic experiences). He does this not to bring more pain to her life but to remind her that she is an extraordinarily strong woman who has gained strength with every difficulty she has risen beyond.

Same with you and me. We’ve been through a lot in our lives. Those things that have not killed us can, if we choose to let them (important distinction) make us stronger. Let’s appreciate our strength and use it for our current and future challenges!

P.P.S. Jocko Willink, Navy SEAL author of Extreme Ownership (see Notes), has a one word response to EVERYTHING (!) that ever happens to him: “Good.”

Imagine that. Whatever happens. You say to yourself, “Good.” I loved that so much I wrote it on my whiteboard and it’s become something of a mantra to me.

—> “Good.”

Nothing happens to the wise person against her expectation.

Why?

She’s anticipated that things may go wrong and, because of that, not only is she better prepared to handle the inevitable setbacks, she’s much more likely to actually get what she wants.

Gabriele Oettingen tells us that’s not just beautiful ancient wisdom, it’s a modern scientific fact.

As she tells us in Rethinking Positive Thinking (see Notes): “Based on two decades of research findings, replicated across a variety of research participants, contexts, and methods, you would be ill- advised to indulge in dreams about achieving your goals and then assume you’re well on your path to success. Life just doesn’t work that way.”

We’ve got to remember to WOOP.

Get clear on what you want (Wish) and get fired up about the benefits you will experience (Outcome).

THEN…

Consider what might get in the way (Obstacles) and figure out what you’ll do to get around them when/if they arise (Plan).

Seneca would’ve been a critic of the self-help culture’s obsession with pure fantasy positive thinking. I’m certain he would have been a fan of WOOP.

Are you?

P.S. Practically-speaking: What’s your #1 goal these days? What do you want? Why? What might get in the way? What will do to navigate those obstacles? Awesome. :)

That’s from the essay on Tranquility. (As is the prior passage.)

Know this: Tranquility comes from flexibility.

We need to have a clear sense of what we want and be willing to push through obstacles. If we go from thing to thing to thing we’re not being virtuously flexible, we’re being what he calls “fickle.” That’s a vice of not enough commitment.

And… If we just grind away in the same.exact.way, ignoring all the feedback that we might want to adapt a bit, we’re not being virtuous either. That’s a vice of excess commitment he calls “obstinacy.”

Flexibility is right in the middle. Our virtuous mean. We’re committed AND willing to adapt.

How are you fickle?

How are you obstinate?

How can you be more flexible?

Remember that flexibility is a key to tranquility.

Personally, although I’m pretty good at shutting down at the end of the day and on weekends, this is one of my top weaknesses—thinking (or at least wishing) I can go hard all the time. :)

Alas, it doesn’t work that way. Our minds must relax.

“Just as you must not force fertile farmland, as uninterrupted productivity will soon exhaust it, so constant effort will sap our mental vigour, while a short period of rest and relaxation will restore our powers.”

(Note: If your weakness lies on the other side of effort, remember: “There is a big difference between slackoning your hold on something and severing the link.”

In other words, you’ve gotta be willing to work hard, just bake in waves of good recovery. There’s no virtue in either the vice of excess hard work or the vice of deficiency of hard work. :)

So, how do we best relax?

As it happens, I was just working on a Willpower 101 class I’m prepping for and reviewing my Notes on The Willpower Instinct.

Kelly McGonigal makes a really important point about effective and not-so-effective ways to let our minds relax.

She tells us: “While many of the most popular stress-relief strategies fail to make us feel better, some strategies really work. According to the American Psychological Association, the most effective stress-relief strategies are exercising or playing sports, praying or attending a religious service, reading, listening to music, spending time with friends or family, getting a massage, going outside for a walk, meditating or doing yoga, and spending time with a creative hobby. (The least effective strategies are gambling, shopping, smoking, drinking, eating, playing video games, surfing the Internet, and watching TV or movies for more than two hours.)”

Why is that? “The main difference between the strategies that work and the strategies that don’t? Rather than releasing dopamine and relying on the promise of reward, the real stress relievers boost mood-enhancing brain chemicals like serotonin and GABA, as well as the feel- good hormone oxytocin. They also help shut down the brain’s stress response, reduce stress hormones in the body, and induce the healing relaxation response. Because they aren’t exciting like the dopamine releasers, we tend to underestimate how good they will make us feel. And so we forget about these strategies not because they don’t work, but because when we’re stressed, our brains persistently mis-predict what will make us happy. This means that we’ll often talk ourselves out of doing the very thing that will actually make us feel better.”

In other words: Quit jacking yourself up with more stimulation.

More dopamine-releasing internet surfing, video games, etc. isn’t going to do the trick.

Go for a walk, meditate, get a massage, play with your kids, go play your favorite sport—have a list of what truly renews your mind and soul and go do that.

KNOWING a) you need it and b) you’ll come back feeling better than ever!

How about that for some more examples of Stoic anti-fragility?

Imagine losing *EVERYTHING* (in a shipwreck no less) and responding with this: “Fortune bids me a less encumbered philosopher.” (HAH!)

Or being ordered to be executed by a tyrant and replying, “I thank you, noble emperor.” (Um, yah.)

James Stockdale captured his version of this Stoic wisdom in his extraordinary book Courage Under Fire (see Notes) where he chose to play the role assigned to him as well as he could. That role? Ranking officer in a prisoner of war camp.

Viktor Frankl, of course, played his role in a concentration camp remarkably well and wrote about it in Man’s Search for Meaning (see Notes).

Back to you again. How’re you replying to life’s challenges?

Remember to practice with the TINY things to build strength for the big ones.