When Things Fall Apart

A big part of this book is about embracing our fears and challenging times as opportunities for growth rather than something we need to avoid at all costs.

As part of that, we’ve gotta remember that being brave *is not* about having no fear; it’s about feeling the fear and then doing what needs to be done.

We talk about this theme a lot. It’s super important.

Pema’s story about her husband reminds me of the painter Georgia O’Keefe’s wisdom. She said: “I’ve been afraid every single day of my life, but I’ve gone ahead and done it anyway.”

And Mark Twain puts it succinctly with this gem: “Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear—not absence of fear.”

So, let’s reorient ourselves to our fear. The next time we feel some fear, let’s welcome it as a gift that’s showing us where we still have some work to do!! :)

Two Big Ideas I want to highlight here.

First, there’s the Idea that we want to lean in to our discomfort rather than try to avoid it. As spiritual warriors, we want to reorient ourselves to the discomfort and KNOW that it’s often during these challenging times that we learn the most.

In fact, many great teachers tell us that we absolutely NEED these challenging times if we want to grow to our fullest potential. Let’s look at a few wisdom gems to really let the point sink in!

First, Robert Emmon’s tells us this in his great book Thanks! (see Notes): “Not only does the experience of tragedy give us an exceptional opportunity for growth, but some sort of suffering is also necessary for a person to achieve maximal psychological growth. In his study of self-actualizers, the paragons of mental wellness, the famed humanistic psychologist Abraham Maslow noted that “the most important learning lessons… were tragedies, deaths, and trauma… which forced change in the life-outlook of the person and consequently in everything that he did.””

Jonathan Haidt gives us this wisdom in his great book The Happiness Hypothesis (see Notes): “Adversity may be necessary for growth because it forces you to stop speeding along the road of life, allowing you to notice the paths that were branching off all along, and to think about where you really want to end up.”

And, Michael Singer translates that into action in The Untethered Soul (see Notes) where he tells us: “Real transformation begins when you embrace your problems as agents for growth.”

So, we want to KNOW that challenging times are agents for change. Then we want to embrace them as such as we’re experiencing them. Easier said than done, of course, but that’s what it’s all about.

That brings us to the second Big Idea here: The fact that, with this perspective, we’re never lacking for opportunities to grow. :)

This very moment is the perfect teacher. And, as Pema tells us, lucky for us it’s always here.

So, if you’re feeling stressed right now, lean in to it. See what lesson is there for you to learn. And celebrate the fact that you don’t need a book or sermon to learn when you’ve got life (aka the ultimate teacher!) unfolding moment-to-moment! :)

Pema tells us that feeling disappointment, embarrassment and other suck ickiness is a sort of death. Almost like we’re dying to the idea that our lives should be perfect.

But, again, we’ve gotta LEAN INTO those feelings and realize that, as she says, “it takes death for there to be birth.” We’ve gotta move through one level of being to discover the next.

Reminds me of Joseph Campbell and Friederich Nietzsche.

In A Joseph Campbell Companion (see Notes), Campbell tells us: “If you want resurrection, you must have crucifixion.” And: “We must be willing to get rid of the life we’ve planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.”

While in Thus Spoke Zarathustra (see Notes), Nietzsche tells us: “The snake that cannot shed its skin perishes. So do the spirits who are prevented from changing their opinions; they cease to be spirit.”

Here’s to embracing the challenging times that give us a chance to be born to our next highest version of ourselves! :)

Love that.

Reminds me of Eknath Easwaran’s wisdom from his awesome (!) book on meditation called Conquest of Mind (check out the Notes) where he tells us: “Meditation is warm-up exercise for the mind, so that you can jog through the rest of the day without getting agitated or spraining your patience.”

Too often we tend to focus on what we experience *during* our meditations. But that’s not the point!!

Matthieu Ricard puts it this way in his great book Why Meditate? (see Notes): “Practitioners are also advised not to place too much importance on various inner experiences that might arise during meditation.”

So, rather than getting all geeked up about whatever transcendent experiences may occur as we meditate, let’s remember that it’s all about consistently showing up for our meditation practice so we can more consistently show up as loving individuals in the rest of our lives!!

How long does the process of really being present to every moment take?

Pema tells us roughly the rest of our lives. :)

So, let’s relax and remember the Buddha’s wisdom: “Little by little a person becomes evil, as a water pot is filled by drops of water… Little by little a person becomes good, as a water pot is filled by drops of water.”

Here’s to a lifetime of wisdom droplets, filling our water pots moment by moment by precious moment. :)

This is another REALLY Big Idea we come back to frequently in these Notes.

In Spiritual Liberation (see Notes), Michael Beckwith puts it this way: “Not all pain is negative, even though we label all forms of pain as such and resist them. Positive- negativity is a circumstance that causes us to go deeper, to search ourselves, to stop placing blame on the causes of suffering outside ourselves, and take self-responsibility.

Circumstances arise and hard times come so that we may grow through them, so that we may evolve. I like to say that a bad day for the ego is a good day for the soul. When we look back on some of our most challenging experiences, we admit that we wouldn’t trade what we gained from them for remaining the same as we were. Something within acknowledges that during those times when we are pressed against the ropes of life, we learn to become more generous, to forgive, to never give up on ourselves or others. We learn to regenerate, to rejuvenate, to surrender.”

In The Power of Your Supermind (see Notes), Vernon Howard tells us: “Encourage yourself by remembering that any detection of negativity within you is a positive act, not a negative one. Awareness of your weakness and confusion makes you strong because conscious awareness is the bright light that destroys the darkness of negativity. Honest self-observation dissolves pains and pressures that formerly did their dreadful work in the darkness of unawareness. This is so important that I urge you to memorize and reflect upon the following summary: Detection of inner negativity is not a negative act, but a courageously positive act that makes you a new person.”

Let’s remember that DETECTING negativity is a VERY good thing!

As Pema tells us, it’s the first step toward clarity.

In the Notes on A Complaint Free World, we go into detail on the process of change. Here’s a quick overview: Before we begin to change a negative behavior, we are “Unconsciously Incompetent” (where we aren’t even aware how off we are). From there, we move into being “Consciously Incompetent” (where we can see what areas need work) to being “Consciously Competent” (where we can get ourselves to do the right thing with effort) to being “Unconsciously Competent” (where doing the right thing comes effortlessly).

To re-cap the formula: Unconsciously Incompetent —> Consciously Incompetent —> Consciously Competent —> Unconsciously Competent

So, in the beginning, we didn’t even *know* we were off! The first step where we simply become AWARE of our negative patterns is H.U.G.E.—which is why all the teachers celebrate that step in the process!!

We need to do the same. :)

Amen.

Here’s to dedicating our practice to more than just ourselves—to becoming more integrated human beings to benefit our friends and family and co-workers and community and world!!

Here’s a little more on that:

The spiritual journey isn’t about personal escape.

It’s about becoming more and more fully alive and plugged in to the Highest within ourselves so that we can most fully give ourselves to our community as we shine with a joyous, radiant enthusiasm.

Same thing with the hero’s journey.

It’s easy to get all enamored by the part where we leave our communities behind and enter the forest of the unknown at the darkest point as we battle metaphorical demons in pursuit of inner treasures.

But, we’ve gotta remember that that’s only part of the process!

The real challenge—and the most important part of the hero’s journey—begins when we bring what we’ve discovered BACK into the world.

As Joseph Campbell tells us, we’ve gotta bring the boon back!

In Pathways to Bliss (see Notes), he advises us: “The whole idea is that you’ve got to bring out again that which you went to recover, the unrealized, unutilized potential in yourself. The whole point of this journey is the reintroduction of this potential into the world; that is to say, to you living in the world. You are to bring this treasure of understanding back and integrate it in a rational life. It goes without saying, this is very difficult. Bringing the boon back can be even more difficult than going down into your own depths in the first place.”

So, let’s remember that our spiritual practices aren’t about providing personal escapes. They’re about becoming the type of people capable of truly serving our families and communities.

P.S. Of course, meditation and quiet time for reflection is important. But, with Pema and Campbell’s wisdom in mind, let’s remember that we don’t need to go to a cave in the Himalayas to practice our spirituality. Changing the diapers joyfully/driving the kids to soccer practice joyfully/finishing the project at work joyfully/etc. are way more powerful practices. :)

How beautiful is that?!?

NOW IS THE ONLY TIME!!

If we want to influence our tomorrows, we’ve gotta BE THE CHANGE we want to see NOW!! Not later today or after we get over our cold or get out of debt. NOW.

So, quick question: How would you like to feel?

Presumably, you’d like to feel happy, eh?

Well, I say we follow Michael Singer’s brilliant wisdom in The Untethered Soul (see Notes) where he tells us that unconditional happiness is the highest technique there is. He says: “If you decide that you’re going to be happy from now on for the rest of your life, you will not only be happy, you will be enlightened. Unconditional happiness is the highest technique there is. You don’t have to learn Sanskrit or read any scriptures. You don’t have to renounce the world. You just have to really mean it when you say that you choose to be happy. And you have to mean it regardless of what happens. This is truly a spiritual path, and it is as direct and sure a path to Awakening as could possibly exist.”